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duplicity inbox / cw for nsfw shenanigans.

TEXT / VOICE / VIDEO / ACTION
NOTE: felix generally responds to everything in text, even voice or video calls. expect 90% of his replies to be text-based regardless of urgency.

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[ Funny thing is, Ephemera gets that. Because Felix makes sense to him in some brutal, fucked up way. It's more than the war, more than the shit they both survived. He's known soldiers his entire goddamn life and towards the end, barely any of them registered. Felix didn't at the time. Chorus was a blur, a kaleidoscope world where nothing existed but his mission. It's only in the aftermath that he's been able to piece things back together. Step back and see the bigger picture.

He takes the cigarette. Lets Felix light it and then breathes it in. Lets the nicotine burn down, down, down into his lungs. Lets it settle there, settle him

Something has to, eventually. ]

I know I am.

[ It's said simply. Just a fact, inevitable as gravity. Maybe one day he won't be, but Ephemera knows pieces of himself. He knows what they spell. ]

But there are days I don't want to die. You know how fucking strange that is?

( there's a frailty to this moment that felix doesn't like, that cuts too close to something fleshy and throbbing inside him. he swallows another drag, exhales the smoke through his nose after it burns through his lungs and fills him up like how ephemera filled him up in the arena. )

Not really. You're human.

( built-in instinct, driving him to survive. humans have lines. humans want to live. for thousands and thousands and thousands of years, men and women alike have tirelessly sought the cure to mortality because death is a finality that can't be logically understood or grasped. ephemera is crazy, for being here with felix, for coming at him derigged, for not understanding that felix is a fate worse than fucking death. but he's human.

felix swallows around the taste of nicotine and smoke, pushing his tongue to the roof of his mouth. he stares up into the dark. there's no proper sky in the down. everything is so fucking damp here. )

When I was a kid, my mom used to say I was cursed. Satan has your soul, my little rabbit, all fucking dramatic with the Bible verses and holy water. I think I got my flair for drama from her, honestly.

( and his love of liquor. )

She kind of lost her shit after my dad died. Had her moments when she'd sober up, and everything was good, like how it was supposed to be, but. ( he rubs his thumb over his bottom lip again. the curling smoke from his cigarette disperses as he exhales, disappearing into the clammy air. ) Sometimes shit changes us. The war. Losing people we care about. Love. But sometimes we just are the way we are, and there's no changing it. Written into our DNA. Born fucked, stay fucked. It is what it is. I know what I am.

( another drag, another exhale. felix flicks ash onto the concrete. )

I should go.

Edited 2021-09-19 22:21 (UTC)

[ Smoke curls. Ephemera taps the ash away and watches it burn, watches it spiral up and fade to nothing. He didn't smoke before he joined the Helljumpers. Didn't really drink, either. It became one of those habits. Sometimes there's nothing else that will settle him, pull him back from whatever edge he's found and thrown himself against. A small burn to bring him down from the greater damage. Everybody's got their compromises. Sometimes shit changes us.

Yeah, Ephemera thinks bleakly. Yeah, it fucking does.

He takes another drag. Lets it burn through him. Settle in his lungs. ]

Don't.

[ It comes out soft. Just - stay. Let it settle, just for a moment. ]

I don't remember my mother. Not really. I think she was a soldier, though. I remember her uniform, how it felt when I grabbed her collar. And I think she spoke Mandarin to me, but I don't know what she said.

[ He never learned to speak it. Or maybe he knew it once, and forgot. He doesn't know. ]

I know she wasn't the one who named me Ephemera, though. That was later. A joke. It's funny, you know?

[ He tips his head back. Breathes out. ]

Means temporary. Only I'm always the last man standing.

( there were a lot of kids just like ephemera looking for a home in all the wrong places, during the war. one in his unit. quiet guy, too serious, until someone or several someones got him drunk and then he was all sorts of friendly and affectionate. ephemera reminds him of him sometimes.

he hums softly. )

Lost my entire unit within a few hours when shit got really bad in New Alexandria. ( he drags his thumb from his mouth to the corner of his jaw, lightly touching the edges of the black ink that curves around the back of his ear. august 23rd, 2552. his sacrament of penance. his last confession. ) It was just me and Locus left, at the end.

( then his entire company, wiped out like animals when reach was finally glassed. a common thread binding him to ephemera, except the paths they took were drastically different. end result was the same, though. both dead. both rotting in the ground on chorus.

felix inhales one last slow, deep drag, smoke curling in his lungs. he flits his cigarette to his feet, crushed under his heel, and turns into ephemera, sliding his hand over his bicep. should've let me leave, he thinks. should've just left, jesus christ, isaac. ephemera is solid, bulky in rig, and felix leans into him, angling his fist into his hair and pulling him closer, down to him.

he hovers, lashes shuttered, then touches his tongue to his bottom lip and exhales smoke into his mouth. the touch buzzes through him like gasoline. too much. he sighs against him, loosening his hand in his hair. )

I don't know how to do anything but take, Ephemera.

[ Sometimes Ephemera wonders if his team would have stuck together as long as they had if Hunter hadn't fought so goddamn hard to keep them all alive. If they'd lost someone and fragmented, if maybe - in some fucked up way - that wouldn't have been better in the long run. Because then at least the others might have lived. They might have gone to ground instead of fighting to the bitter end. Maybe if he'd died first instead of surviving, maybe then the others would have found a way to move on.

Maybe. But he always survives, doesn't he? Until one day he didn't and then he ended up screaming at Carolina and gunned down in the street like -

Well. Like something insane.

Ephemera watches Felix silently, trying to think of something to say. That sort of loss sinks in deep. Sometimes it heals wrong, goes sour under the surface. Sometimes it just wrecks everything in proximity. Ephemera takes another drag and tries to focus on the burn because that he knows how to deal with. And then Felix steps into distance again, coming in close, and -

Oh, Ephemera thinks stupidly, as several things happen very quickly. He lowers his cigarette, then lets it drop. Felix's grip tightens in his hair, smoke exhaled, and then it loosens.

He could break the hold. Hit him. Probably should.

Fuck, Ephemera thinks, and just breathes out. He presses their foreheads together instead. ]

You know the fucked up thing? You make sense to me.

( ephemera drops his head, pressed close. he can feel the strangely lulling rise and fall of his chest through his rig, cool steel bleeding into the thin material of felix's t-shirt. the chill is barely noticeable next to the warmth of ephemera's mouth so close.

he stays. he lets the moment settle, his hand in ephemera's hair, foreheads slanted together like they're telling secrets. )

Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. ( insane, again. ) Locus tried to make sense of me. He had this whole thing with wanting to understand how people worked. Drove me fucking crazy, especially on Chorus when he got all puppy dog-eyed and fixated on that stupid motherfucking Freelancer. But I don't think he ever really got it.

( felix never gave him the chance. maybe he would've left sooner if he had. maybe he would've stayed, if he knew how felix felt. maybe that would've been worse. felix's love was an ugly, ruinous thing. it destroyed him. it would've destroyed locus, too. )

Edited 2021-09-20 00:02 (UTC)

[ Ephemera keeps one hand loose on his helmet. A bludgeoning weapon, if he needs one. If they fight - and they always do, in the end - then he'll need whatever advantage he can think to take. This time he's geared up and Felix isn't. But that doesn't always swing the numbers quite how it should. The whole moment feels strange, off balance.

Breathe, soldier. Settle. And for a moment, he can almost hear Hunter's voice. That calmness, drawing him away from the crazy. Keeping him centered in the scrum.

Almost. ]

No?

[ Like before, his voice is soft. He keeps one hand on his helmet. And with the other, he puts his hand on the back of Felix's neck. An old reflex from a different life. Shielding the implant. He's careful, with his gauntlets. He remembers that part, too. ]

Why not?

( felix doesn't let people touch the back of his neck. he warned crais off it, flinched from sam like he'd been hit when he brushed it lightly, on accident. but he lets ephemera do it. repeatedly. over and over, still as stone as his palm settles across his nape, protecting his implant. that'd be a fucked up way to go, he thinks idly.

his heart is in his ears, pounding rhythmically. drowning everything out. )

He couldn't. I'm good at what I do, and I didn't want him to see me.

( for the best. for his own good, to protect him. ortez had his back. ortez was his eyes from up high. he let him have that: control, and felix's mouth, and felix's body, and everything still whole left inside him, but he couldn't have all of him, not without fracturing and splitting into fragments. not without burning himself alive. he wishes he'd killed him. it's a bitter, vicious thought. better than leaving him like this. he misses him, like a phantom limb, like a heartbeat. he wishes he'd killed him.

he leans into the pressure of ephemera's hand and curls his fingers around his wrist, guiding him to his neck. his fingers flex down to his hand, forking ephemera's thumb against the mark on his throat. the one he'd left with his teeth. )

You should go.

( not i anymore. this time it's a warning. leave. )

Edited 2021-09-20 00:37 (UTC)

[ That makes sense, too. Slots into place like a key into a lock. Before, Ephemera thinks he would have hated knowing this about Felix. Knowing anything about Felix. But he understands what it means to play a role, put on a mask. They approached it from different angles. He thinks Felix is better at it, in the end. But he understands what it means. The weight of it when things finally fall and you're stripped down to nothing but your bones and your own goddamn brutality. He knows.

He lets Felix guide his hand. He goes easy. And then, strangely, he's calm. He traces his thumb along the edge of the mark. Remembers making it. Remembers wanting to kill him then. To do it with his teeth, like an animal.

It's healed up well enough. It'll probably scar, though.

Ephemera watches Felix for a long moment. ]

Gonna kill me?

[ Gonna try? ]

You still don't get it, do you?

( even after everything.

ephemera watches him, and felix stares right back, unblinking, tilting his head and pressing into the pressure of ephemera's hand. his throat jumps under his thumb, tracing the mark so close to his pulse. i don't know how to do anything but take, he said. i'll ruin your life, he said. i'll burn that shit to the ground. i'm never happy. if you knew that, you'd stop answering me. you're just collateral damage.

you've seen too fucking much. )

Worse.

[ Ephemera tips his head to the side. He's got gauntlets on now. If he wanted, he could crush Felix's throat. Even by accident. It wouldn't be hard at all.

He doesn't. That isn't the point of this. And like before, he feels strangely calm. ]

Worse thing that's happened to me's already been done.

I thought that once too.

( turns out he had more to lose. chorus taught him that lesson well, at least.

ephemera has newfound stability. drake. crais, though felix doesn't understand the full extent of their relationship. some semblance of a life away from the chaos. normalcy. long-term quiet. felix squeezes his fingers over ephemera's hand, forcibly tightening his grip on his throat close to bruising. always more to lose. always further you can fall. rock bottom doesn't exist.

his shoulders shake as he exhales. should just stab him. put an end to this goddamn insanity. when will it fucking end, otherwise? they're caught in the event horizon of fate, circling the heavy gravity of a black hole. this is how it goes. just fucking force it, felix. force it to an end.

he drops ephemera's hand and spreads his palm flat on his chest, coaxing him back. )

Edited 2021-09-20 05:57 (UTC)

[ And then, just like the last time, Ephemera's suddenly calm. He doesn't understand why it happens like that sometimes, but it does. Like flipping a switch. Like a bullet to the fucking brain. Felix was the one who closed the distance originally and now he's the one pushing for it again. Ephemera's barely moved since this started.

Felix's shoulders twitch. A small thing, on balance.

Fuck, Ephemera thinks, and stays where he is. Things are very quiet right now. Almost dreamlike. He can still taste the ghost of the nicotine. That burning tang.

He tips his head to the side. This would be so much easier if they just went for each other. Made it violent. He thinks they will, sooner than later. They always do. ]

You're the one who closed the distance.

( ephemera stays. of course. they had a similar conversation not so long ago: felix offers him an out, and for whatever reason he doesn't take it. he's steady despite felix's push and pull, the turbulently swinging pendulum of this moment. steady when he shouldn't be, when it doesn't make sense for him to be anything but on edge.

like felix. )

I kissed you first, too. I do that.

( closes distances. leverages his body and mouth as a weapon, then forces the distance back into place in the roiling aftermath – with violence, if necessary.

his palm flexes over ephemera's chest and presses in firmly, stilling the telltale quivering through his fingertips. ephemera wouldn't stop him if he walked around him and left. then what? they circle back to the same goddamn place eventually? the city brings them together in a new, disastrous way? he has a knife. he won't be able to kill him in a full rig without catching him off guard, but he doesn't need to kill him. just needs to make a point and stop the fucking pendulum.

he'll be swallowed up by sound unless he moves, lost to the noise in his head. his knuckles skim ephemera's chest plate as he lets his hand fall back to his side. make a decision. force it, like in the hallway. in the arena. on that rooftop where ephemera almost bled out.

strange how it gets harder every time. )

Ephemera. ( for once, he doesn't know what to say. the right words. the correct order of words that will make everything stop. fuck. he pinches his fingers over the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut briefly. ) I can't. You make me fucking nervous.

[ Like before, Ephemera watches him for a long, silent moment. ]

I'm not trying to.

[ Strangely, he's not. He would have, a while back. In those days when the threat assessment was simple in its brutality. Any advantage you can take is a good one. That was the sergeant's way. Hunter was the one who tempered that, drew up lines when Chica would have wrecked the world to get it done. She would have killed Felix at the first pass. Ephemera knows that. Cut his head clean off with one of her knives and said fuck it to the consequences. That was her way. And Ephemera thinks this might be his.

This quiet, in the aftermath. ]

What'd you want, Felix?

[ If he even knows. Ephemera doesn't. ]

( christ. this question again. felix doesn't move. he spreads his fingers over his nose to his eyes and hooks into the sockets, pressing down on his closed lids. no lingering migraine making it hard to focus this morning, but he's having trouble focusing regardless. can't stay in his fucking head when it's important. )

Everything, motherfucker. ( the whole universe in his mouth. everything. he wants everything. ) With you, specifically? Fuck if I know. I wanna stab the shit out of you. I wanna kiss you. I want you to make a little goddamn sense. Pick your fucking poison.

( felix thinks he started it, worst of all. in the very beginning, when he didn't put a bullet in his brain when he had ephemera right in front of him, prone and bleeding on his back. what're you gonna fucking do, huh? and felix dropped his sidearm, took off his fucking helmet. another wrong turn in the universe, a butterfly effect rippling through time. he started this, and he can't even end it. pathetic. )

Edited 2021-09-20 15:41 (UTC)

I don't want to fight you.

[ Half true. It would simplify things if they fought. It would go along predictable lines - right up until it didn't and then they'd be back here. Staring at each other in the predawn hours like crazy people wondering where the fuck they went wrong.

Ephemera tips his head to the side. The calm feeling doesn't waver. He wonders if this is what Hunter felt like during the war, the eye of the goddamn storm when everything around them was falling to pieces. The captain was always calm, right up until the very end when he lost his goddamn mind. That's irony for you. ]

And I'm not moving.

[ He was here first. ]

Then you're dumb as fuck.

( and this shit will continue to a breaking point, until morale fucking implodes.

his fingers twitch, locking tighter in his sockets. then he drops his hand and looks at ephemera again, eye-to-eye. felix isn't a coward. he's stared ridiculous odds right in the face and said fuck it anyway. beaten the shit out of people. gotten the shit beat out of him. forced his own gun under his chin and dared ephemera to pull the trigger, just because.

but this nameless thing between him and ephemera unnerves him. )

Fine. I'll move.

( he grinds ephemera's lit cigarette into the concrete and stamps out the flickering bud as he brushes past him, elbow knocking ephemera's arm. maybe a little pointed. a petty, wordless fuck you. )

I'll see you when I see you, Terrence.

[ Probably. He's been called that before. Ephemera doesn't try to stop Felix, just watches him go. Wonders, not for the first time, exactly what the fuck he's doing.

He tips his head back. The air's cool right now. Almost calming. ]

Come spar with me.

[ It's said abruptly. ]

( spar with him? felix hears it, and he nearly keeps walking. should just go home. stop engaging him. ephemera clearly has no fucking idea what he's doing when he keeps circling back around to felix. painfully naive despite the life he's lived.

halfway across the lot, felix stops. he doesn't turn around. he digs his cigarettes from his pocket and lights another one, realizes he's shaking as he brings it to his mouth. hairline tremor, from the tips of his fingers down to his wrist. he exhales a puff of smoke around his cigarette and flexes his fingers. two names stare back up at him, cemented on his skin.

finally, after a long silence: )

Here? Like this?

( he doesn't have his rig. wouldn't be much of a spar. )

[ There's a pause. But Felix doesn't laugh him off or throw a knife into his goddamn face, so. That's something. Possibly a mistake, but there it stands.

Ephemera watches him for a moment. ]

Not right now.

[ Maybe when they're both armored up. Or unarmored. Whichever. ]

But sure. Here. Why the fuck not.

Plenty of reasons to why the fuck not, actually.

( he pivots to face him, half-obscured behind tendrils of smoke. easier to study him with some measure of distance between them, when felix isn't at risk of crossing lines like touching his lips with his tongue and blowing smoke into his goddamn mouth. he looks at the cut of ephemera in his rig, the tangle of his dark hair. he'd called him pretty in the arena. heat of the moment, thinking with his dick. you're pretty like this, on top of me, under me. pretty like this, scars and all.

he taps ash from his cigarette, almost thoughtful. )

All right. Next time.

[ It occurs to Ephemera, watching Felix and the rising curl of smoke, that this is the first time they've had a conversation that didn't somehow end bloody. It felt inevitable, just what people like them do at the end of the day. It was almost simple, except for that tiny part at the end where they didn't kill each other.

Could have. There were openings, clear as day. And yet, they held back every time.

Ephemera breathes out slow. He's calm. It won't last, it never does. But right now, he's steady as stone. ]

All right.

[ Exhale, soldier. ]

( it's an odd standstill. time goes funny more often than not around ephemera, but felix takes a moment to center himself in the strangeness. doesn't really work. he inhales on his cigarette, and gritty smoke unfurls into his lungs, burning deep.

silently, he extends his hand, dangling his lit cigarette between his fingers for ephemera to take. )

[ Not for the first time, he thinks of Hunter. How the captain never once yelled in all the years they fought together. Never even raised his voice. Didn't have to. The sergeant was the one who got loud for him. They were a good team that way. But Hunter was the one who kept them all steady, an anchor point in the middle of whatever bullshit nightmare they were trying to survive at any given moment, and Ephemera took that. Kept it, tried to emulate it. Couldn't, in the end. But he remembers now how the captain moved, how he spoke. How people listened to him. He wonders if Hunter would have done this.

Probably not. Hunter was a good tactician. Never took a bet unless he was sure it would net him something worth keeping.

Ephemera takes the cigarette. Presses it between his teeth and inhales. Lets the nicotine burn down, down, down. He doesn't say anything, can't think of the right words to break the silence. He just exhales, blowing smoke, and passes it back. ]

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