![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
duplicity inbox / cw for nsfw shenanigans.
 TEXT / VOICE / VIDEO / ACTION NOTE: felix generally responds to everything in text, even voice or video calls. expect 90% of his replies to be text-based regardless of urgency. |
TEXT / VOICE / VIDEO / ACTION NOTE: felix generally responds to everything in text, even voice or video calls. expect 90% of his replies to be text-based regardless of urgency. |
cw for suicide mention
It's quiet still. Maybe that's all he wanted. Quiet in the midst of all this goddamn chaos.
Ephemera turns on his heel, watching Felix. Wondering how the fuck they got to this place where they can talk about the inevitable outcome where one of them dies. Or even just Felix. It won't last, but then not much does around here. He wonders if that counts as suicide.
Breathe out, soldier. Remember where you are.
Silently, he tugs his helmet off. Breathes unfiltered oxygen. He motions with his hand at the cigarettes. ]
Give me one.
[ What a mess this is. What a brutal, bloody mess. And this time, they haven't even hit each other. ]
I figured you'd kill me on Chorus.
[ It's said simply. No muss, no fuss. A looming inevitability - that's the phrasing Felix used. It fits as well as anything. ]
You or Locus. Figured you'd try, anyway. Just a means to an end, right? I wouldn't have taken it personally. You do what you've gotta do. And you two were just - noise on my comms. Something I had to maneuver around, pretend to be half a person. All I needed was that armor and then I had it.
[ He's fairly certain they regretted taking him on after that, with how he ignored mission briefings and anything not directly related to his means and his ends. What could it matter?
It hadn't. Not to him, not in that place. It couldn't. ]
You think you're crazy?
no subject
and for some reason, like always, felix stays. jostles another cigarette from his pack, hands it over.
ortez would've killed him if felix failed to do it himself. there was never any doubt about ephemera's ultimate fate, once everything was said and done. they never talked about it because they never needed to. business. loose ends. one more body to be spaced into the frozen dark and left behind, never to be thought of again. ephemera didn't matter then. he shouldn't matter now.
duplicity threw a wrench into all of that. it's a wrongness that can't be righted, a tide shift that should've never happened. felix died on chorus. he never knew ephemera beyond their temporary arrangement. that's how it should've stayed, forever. )
Nope. ( he rubs his thumb along his bottom lip, cigarette poised between two fingers. he's fidgety, uncomfortable in his own skin, with this stillness outside of the violence. ) I think I'm the only thing in this universe that makes any fucking sense.
( but he hooks his cigarette in his mouth and strikes another match anyway, palm hovering near the flame as steps closer – too close, again – and lights ephemera's cigarette. )
I think you're crazy.
cw for suicide mention
He takes the cigarette. Lets Felix light it and then breathes it in. Lets the nicotine burn down, down, down into his lungs. Lets it settle there, settle him
Something has to, eventually. ]
I know I am.
[ It's said simply. Just a fact, inevitable as gravity. Maybe one day he won't be, but Ephemera knows pieces of himself. He knows what they spell. ]
But there are days I don't want to die. You know how fucking strange that is?
no subject
Not really. You're human.
( built-in instinct, driving him to survive. humans have lines. humans want to live. for thousands and thousands and thousands of years, men and women alike have tirelessly sought the cure to mortality because death is a finality that can't be logically understood or grasped. ephemera is crazy, for being here with felix, for coming at him derigged, for not understanding that felix is a fate worse than fucking death. but he's human.
felix swallows around the taste of nicotine and smoke, pushing his tongue to the roof of his mouth. he stares up into the dark. there's no proper sky in the down. everything is so fucking damp here. )
When I was a kid, my mom used to say I was cursed. Satan has your soul, my little rabbit, all fucking dramatic with the Bible verses and holy water. I think I got my flair for drama from her, honestly.
( and his love of liquor. )
She kind of lost her shit after my dad died. Had her moments when she'd sober up, and everything was good, like how it was supposed to be, but. ( he rubs his thumb over his bottom lip again. the curling smoke from his cigarette disperses as he exhales, disappearing into the clammy air. ) Sometimes shit changes us. The war. Losing people we care about. Love. But sometimes we just are the way we are, and there's no changing it. Written into our DNA. Born fucked, stay fucked. It is what it is. I know what I am.
( another drag, another exhale. felix flicks ash onto the concrete. )
I should go.
no subject
Yeah, Ephemera thinks bleakly. Yeah, it fucking does.
He takes another drag. Lets it burn through him. Settle in his lungs. ]
Don't.
[ It comes out soft. Just - stay. Let it settle, just for a moment. ]
I don't remember my mother. Not really. I think she was a soldier, though. I remember her uniform, how it felt when I grabbed her collar. And I think she spoke Mandarin to me, but I don't know what she said.
[ He never learned to speak it. Or maybe he knew it once, and forgot. He doesn't know. ]
I know she wasn't the one who named me Ephemera, though. That was later. A joke. It's funny, you know?
[ He tips his head back. Breathes out. ]
Means temporary. Only I'm always the last man standing.
no subject
he hums softly. )
Lost my entire unit within a few hours when shit got really bad in New Alexandria. ( he drags his thumb from his mouth to the corner of his jaw, lightly touching the edges of the black ink that curves around the back of his ear. august 23rd, 2552. his sacrament of penance. his last confession. ) It was just me and Locus left, at the end.
( then his entire company, wiped out like animals when reach was finally glassed. a common thread binding him to ephemera, except the paths they took were drastically different. end result was the same, though. both dead. both rotting in the ground on chorus.
felix inhales one last slow, deep drag, smoke curling in his lungs. he flits his cigarette to his feet, crushed under his heel, and turns into ephemera, sliding his hand over his bicep. should've let me leave, he thinks. should've just left, jesus christ, isaac. ephemera is solid, bulky in rig, and felix leans into him, angling his fist into his hair and pulling him closer, down to him.
he hovers, lashes shuttered, then touches his tongue to his bottom lip and exhales smoke into his mouth. the touch buzzes through him like gasoline. too much. he sighs against him, loosening his hand in his hair. )
I don't know how to do anything but take, Ephemera.
no subject
Maybe. But he always survives, doesn't he? Until one day he didn't and then he ended up screaming at Carolina and gunned down in the street like -
Well. Like something insane.
Ephemera watches Felix silently, trying to think of something to say. That sort of loss sinks in deep. Sometimes it heals wrong, goes sour under the surface. Sometimes it just wrecks everything in proximity. Ephemera takes another drag and tries to focus on the burn because that he knows how to deal with. And then Felix steps into distance again, coming in close, and -
Oh, Ephemera thinks stupidly, as several things happen very quickly. He lowers his cigarette, then lets it drop. Felix's grip tightens in his hair, smoke exhaled, and then it loosens.
He could break the hold. Hit him. Probably should.
Fuck, Ephemera thinks, and just breathes out. He presses their foreheads together instead. ]
You know the fucked up thing? You make sense to me.
no subject
he stays. he lets the moment settle, his hand in ephemera's hair, foreheads slanted together like they're telling secrets. )
Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. ( insane, again. ) Locus tried to make sense of me. He had this whole thing with wanting to understand how people worked. Drove me fucking crazy, especially on Chorus when he got all puppy dog-eyed and fixated on that stupid motherfucking Freelancer. But I don't think he ever really got it.
( felix never gave him the chance. maybe he would've left sooner if he had. maybe he would've stayed, if he knew how felix felt. maybe that would've been worse. felix's love was an ugly, ruinous thing. it destroyed him. it would've destroyed locus, too. )
no subject
Breathe, soldier. Settle. And for a moment, he can almost hear Hunter's voice. That calmness, drawing him away from the crazy. Keeping him centered in the scrum.
Almost. ]
No?
[ Like before, his voice is soft. He keeps one hand on his helmet. And with the other, he puts his hand on the back of Felix's neck. An old reflex from a different life. Shielding the implant. He's careful, with his gauntlets. He remembers that part, too. ]
Why not?
no subject
his heart is in his ears, pounding rhythmically. drowning everything out. )
He couldn't. I'm good at what I do, and I didn't want him to see me.
( for the best. for his own good, to protect him. ortez had his back. ortez was his eyes from up high. he let him have that: control, and felix's mouth, and felix's body, and everything still whole left inside him, but he couldn't have all of him, not without fracturing and splitting into fragments. not without burning himself alive. he wishes he'd killed him. it's a bitter, vicious thought. better than leaving him like this. he misses him, like a phantom limb, like a heartbeat. he wishes he'd killed him.
he leans into the pressure of ephemera's hand and curls his fingers around his wrist, guiding him to his neck. his fingers flex down to his hand, forking ephemera's thumb against the mark on his throat. the one he'd left with his teeth. )
You should go.
( not i anymore. this time it's a warning. leave. )
no subject
He lets Felix guide his hand. He goes easy. And then, strangely, he's calm. He traces his thumb along the edge of the mark. Remembers making it. Remembers wanting to kill him then. To do it with his teeth, like an animal.
It's healed up well enough. It'll probably scar, though.
Ephemera watches Felix for a long moment. ]
Gonna kill me?
[ Gonna try? ]
no subject
( even after everything.
ephemera watches him, and felix stares right back, unblinking, tilting his head and pressing into the pressure of ephemera's hand. his throat jumps under his thumb, tracing the mark so close to his pulse. i don't know how to do anything but take, he said. i'll ruin your life, he said. i'll burn that shit to the ground. i'm never happy. if you knew that, you'd stop answering me. you're just collateral damage.
you've seen too fucking much. )
Worse.
no subject
He doesn't. That isn't the point of this. And like before, he feels strangely calm. ]
Worse thing that's happened to me's already been done.
no subject
( turns out he had more to lose. chorus taught him that lesson well, at least.
ephemera has newfound stability. drake. crais, though felix doesn't understand the full extent of their relationship. some semblance of a life away from the chaos. normalcy. long-term quiet. felix squeezes his fingers over ephemera's hand, forcibly tightening his grip on his throat close to bruising. always more to lose. always further you can fall. rock bottom doesn't exist.
his shoulders shake as he exhales. should just stab him. put an end to this goddamn insanity. when will it fucking end, otherwise? they're caught in the event horizon of fate, circling the heavy gravity of a black hole. this is how it goes. just fucking force it, felix. force it to an end.
he drops ephemera's hand and spreads his palm flat on his chest, coaxing him back. )
no subject
Felix's shoulders twitch. A small thing, on balance.
Fuck, Ephemera thinks, and stays where he is. Things are very quiet right now. Almost dreamlike. He can still taste the ghost of the nicotine. That burning tang.
He tips his head to the side. This would be so much easier if they just went for each other. Made it violent. He thinks they will, sooner than later. They always do. ]
You're the one who closed the distance.
no subject
like felix. )
I kissed you first, too. I do that.
( closes distances. leverages his body and mouth as a weapon, then forces the distance back into place in the roiling aftermath – with violence, if necessary.
his palm flexes over ephemera's chest and presses in firmly, stilling the telltale quivering through his fingertips. ephemera wouldn't stop him if he walked around him and left. then what? they circle back to the same goddamn place eventually? the city brings them together in a new, disastrous way? he has a knife. he won't be able to kill him in a full rig without catching him off guard, but he doesn't need to kill him. just needs to make a point and stop the fucking pendulum.
he'll be swallowed up by sound unless he moves, lost to the noise in his head. his knuckles skim ephemera's chest plate as he lets his hand fall back to his side. make a decision. force it, like in the hallway. in the arena. on that rooftop where ephemera almost bled out.
strange how it gets harder every time. )
Ephemera. ( for once, he doesn't know what to say. the right words. the correct order of words that will make everything stop. fuck. he pinches his fingers over the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut briefly. ) I can't. You make me fucking nervous.
no subject
I'm not trying to.
[ Strangely, he's not. He would have, a while back. In those days when the threat assessment was simple in its brutality. Any advantage you can take is a good one. That was the sergeant's way. Hunter was the one who tempered that, drew up lines when Chica would have wrecked the world to get it done. She would have killed Felix at the first pass. Ephemera knows that. Cut his head clean off with one of her knives and said fuck it to the consequences. That was her way. And Ephemera thinks this might be his.
This quiet, in the aftermath. ]
What'd you want, Felix?
[ If he even knows. Ephemera doesn't. ]
no subject
Everything, motherfucker. ( the whole universe in his mouth. everything. he wants everything. ) With you, specifically? Fuck if I know. I wanna stab the shit out of you. I wanna kiss you. I want you to make a little goddamn sense. Pick your fucking poison.
( felix thinks he started it, worst of all. in the very beginning, when he didn't put a bullet in his brain when he had ephemera right in front of him, prone and bleeding on his back. what're you gonna fucking do, huh? and felix dropped his sidearm, took off his fucking helmet. another wrong turn in the universe, a butterfly effect rippling through time. he started this, and he can't even end it. pathetic. )
no subject
[ Half true. It would simplify things if they fought. It would go along predictable lines - right up until it didn't and then they'd be back here. Staring at each other in the predawn hours like crazy people wondering where the fuck they went wrong.
Ephemera tips his head to the side. The calm feeling doesn't waver. He wonders if this is what Hunter felt like during the war, the eye of the goddamn storm when everything around them was falling to pieces. The captain was always calm, right up until the very end when he lost his goddamn mind. That's irony for you. ]
And I'm not moving.
[ He was here first. ]
cw past suicide attempt mention
( and this shit will continue to a breaking point, until morale fucking implodes.
his fingers twitch, locking tighter in his sockets. then he drops his hand and looks at ephemera again, eye-to-eye. felix isn't a coward. he's stared ridiculous odds right in the face and said fuck it anyway. beaten the shit out of people. gotten the shit beat out of him. forced his own gun under his chin and dared ephemera to pull the trigger, just because.
but this nameless thing between him and ephemera unnerves him. )
Fine. I'll move.
( he grinds ephemera's lit cigarette into the concrete and stamps out the flickering bud as he brushes past him, elbow knocking ephemera's arm. maybe a little pointed. a petty, wordless fuck you. )
I'll see you when I see you, Terrence.
no subject
He tips his head back. The air's cool right now. Almost calming. ]
Come spar with me.
[ It's said abruptly. ]
no subject
halfway across the lot, felix stops. he doesn't turn around. he digs his cigarettes from his pocket and lights another one, realizes he's shaking as he brings it to his mouth. hairline tremor, from the tips of his fingers down to his wrist. he exhales a puff of smoke around his cigarette and flexes his fingers. two names stare back up at him, cemented on his skin.
finally, after a long silence: )
Here? Like this?
( he doesn't have his rig. wouldn't be much of a spar. )
no subject
Ephemera watches him for a moment. ]
Not right now.
[ Maybe when they're both armored up. Or unarmored. Whichever. ]
But sure. Here. Why the fuck not.
no subject
( he pivots to face him, half-obscured behind tendrils of smoke. easier to study him with some measure of distance between them, when felix isn't at risk of crossing lines like touching his lips with his tongue and blowing smoke into his goddamn mouth. he looks at the cut of ephemera in his rig, the tangle of his dark hair. he'd called him pretty in the arena. heat of the moment, thinking with his dick. you're pretty like this, on top of me, under me. pretty like this, scars and all.
he taps ash from his cigarette, almost thoughtful. )
All right. Next time.
no subject
Could have. There were openings, clear as day. And yet, they held back every time.
Ephemera breathes out slow. He's calm. It won't last, it never does. But right now, he's steady as stone. ]
All right.
[ Exhale, soldier. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
cw self-harm mention
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)